Many women - and people in general - believe they will finally start feeling better about themselves after they lose weight. As if losing weight were the key that unlocked their happiness.
I had clients who spent their lifetime practically trying to lose weight, but in their 40s it was becoming difficult to do so. One client, let’s call her Ana, was so frustrated and angry with herself because of her inability to lose weight at 47. Another, let’s call her Alex, felt unhappy because her clothes didn’t fit. Alex felt unattractive and was always down on herself.
But was permanent weight loss really the answer to their happiness, and to feeling good about themselves? When a person is unable to lose weight and/or keep it off, then what? What happens next? Are they supposed to feel bad about themselves for the rest of their lives? As if what they’ve gone through isn’t challenging enough, now add lifelong feelings of inadequacy and failure.
The good news is, and this is where Intuitive Eating comes in, it IS actually possible to feel good about yourself without relying on the numbers on a scale to make that choice for you.
So today I’m sharing three tips to feel good about yourself without losing weight, or rather, without relying on weight loss. So here they are…
Tip #1: Understand, like really try and understand and accept, that “thinner is better” is a social construct and belief system
You weren’t born hating your body.
And there’s no rule of law that states that thinner is better. It’s subjective, context and culture dependent, and importantly, “thinner is better” is a Western culture invention rooted in patriarchy.
And I get it. On an intellectual level this (tip) may be pretty easy to accept. It makes sense. But when it comes to your own body it becomes much harder to accept this.
What about health? You might ask. Because everyone, including your doctor, says losing weight is the answer to managing pretty much every condition, including general health & well-being.
You can engage in healthy behaviours, like exercise, without trying to lose weight. And exercise usually makes you feel invigorated and good. It doesn't have to be about trying to change the size and shape of your body.
So for tip #1, I’m asking you to consider the narrative of “thinner is better” as just that, a narrative, story, or tale.
And don't forget that on this earth, bodies come in all shapes and sizes. Not every body has the ability to be slim, nor is that necessary.
Tip #2: Make statements that express gratitude versus opinions about your body
I’m guessing that 99% of the comments you make towards your body are your own opinions, not facts, much less gratitude towards your body. For example:
Opinion: My body is ugly.
Fact: My body has two arms and two legs.
Expressing gratitude: My body is the vehicle that carries me through life.
Most of us don’t pay close attention to our thoughts. And chances are many of the thoughts you have about your body are negative. In body image work, one of the first things we do is get people to become aware of these thoughts, and then start to create more neutral thoughts about their bodies. Or thoughts that express gratitude, since most people have the capacity to at least recognize the importance of their bodies.
Some of these thoughts may include:
My body is strong.
My body has carried and birthed children.
My body allows me to dance/run/go on long walks/etc.
My body is resilient.
My body allows me to experience life.
My body allows me to hug my loved ones.
Additionally, when you catch yourself saying something negative about your body, you can instead think “I’m starting to believe that this thought isn’t true”, instead of trying to immediately jump to the positive which is not something you need to do. Just keep it neutral for now. In fact, the aim is not to be positive, but grateful.
So for tip #2, catch the negative thoughts you have about your body, and create thoughts based in gratitude.
Tip #3: Embrace your strengths, talents, uniqueness, and personal attributes because being “lean & fit” is none of those things
While socially acceptable and praised, having a “nice body” is not a skill or strength. It isn’t the reason people make friends with you, or hire you. Being “lean and fit” does not make you a more valuable or worthy person.
And it certainly doesn’t need to be the thing you aspire towards in life.
I had a client once that wanted nothing more than to be lean and fit. While she had a career in the arts, and recognized her talents, her obsession with thinness - and not being able to achieve it - was affecting her quality of life and her ability to feel good and happy in life.
Okay, so I’m going to get a little philosophical here, please bear with me…
What is your purpose on earth? What gifts are you here to share?
And I don’t care if your career or job fulfills this or not. Sometimes we work jobs that pay the bills and are unsatisfying otherwise. I’m not referring to your career. This isn’t career advice. I’m talking about you.
Are you caring and compassionate? Do you have the ability to make the people around you feel good? Do you help others? Do you have the gift of listening?
Do you make people laugh? Laughing is therapeutic.
Do you express yourself through art, poetry, or other crafts?
Are you good with numbers? Are you analytical?
Do you enjoy sports, gymnastics, or dance?
Do you enjoy making food and sharing it with your friends and family, or sharing it with your community?
For this tip, I challenge you to come up with at least 5-10 of your strengths, talents, or personal attributes, even if you don’t currently engage in them (i.e. you love dancing but you rarely do so, or you wish you could work feeding the hungry abroad).
How can you lean into and embrace these more?
Bonus tip: Are you wearing flattering, comfortable fitting clothes? A super important tip to feeling good without losing weight is doing a wardrobe makeover.
I’m no fashionista but a good wardrobe goes a long way. This isn’t about spending thousands of dollars on new, expensive clothes, but rather taking some time and putting some care into your wardrobe.
My first suggestion here is, if you’re holding on to small clothes, or clothes that haven’t fit since you were 30, get rid of them. Donate them, sell them on Marketplace, or do whatever you need to do. But get rid of ‘em. The small clothes sitting in your closet are subconsciously bringing you down. You want to feel lighter without cutting out carbs and going to the gym six days a week? Get rid of these clothes!
Okay now that I’ve made that clear, my second suggestion is to get yourself some nice clothes that fit well. Let pants sit comfortably. You want to be able to breathe when you sit down. Let clothes feel loose, but not too loose, unless it’s the style (i.e. baggy sweaters). If you need some help, take a fashion-conscious friend shopping with you to help you out. Let them help you decide on flattering colours and styles.
Finally, and importantly, don’t get fixated on the size of the clothes. Don’t buy a size just because it's the one you think you “should” be fitting into. Just buy the size that fits. A number is just a number. They mean different things for different brands. And more importantly, learn to feel neutral about the size number. There’s nothing inherently wrong about that number. It’s your thoughts about the number that create feeling bad, down, shame, etc. As I mentioned in tip #2, learn to feel more neutral. And to feel more neutral, you need to create more neutral thoughts. And I repeat...
The size number itself is a neutral circumstance!
I hope these tips help you to feel better about yourself without relying on weight loss to do so.
These tips may not be easy, creating new thoughts takes practice, feeling better about yourself and your body won’t be automatic, but practicing (these suggestions) is worth it. And if you prefer support along the way head to my Intuitive Eating & Body Image coaching page to learn more.
Your purpose in life is not determined by the size of your body. You can feel happy and good about yourself today!