You’ve probably read a health article, or even a brochure at the doctor’s office at some point, that lists “reduce stress” as a recommendation.
As if it were easy.
But seriously, you can tell me to reduce stress until the cows come home and I won’t have done much to reduce stress, except maybe take a walk on the Bayfront trail. Not because I want to have stress, but because reducing stress is hard.
Stress sucks! And the sources of your stress can be many. I’m not even going to refer to the socio-economic sources of stress here. I’m going to assume that if you’re reading this, you have your basic needs met, and are not stressed about how you’ll pay for dinner tonight (how not who).
Though given the ridiculous housing market, you may very well be stressed about paying your mortgage or rent.
Life circumstances that cause stress
Ok, so here are a few life circumstances that could be stressing you out which require a lot more than a stress management checklist to address…
Marital tension/differences
Dealing with a defiant teen or kid (or adult child)
Job dissatisfaction (i.e. due to income, colleagues, the nature of the work, location, etc.)
Finances
The list is endless
But if I take the first point, marital tension, you’ll need to unpack it further in order to address the areas in which the stress is being created. Having said that, marital differences often require a therapist’s support.
If you think about it, a “difference” in and of itself does not need to be a source of stress. We don’t expect everyone to be like us at all times. Yes, even our spouses. It’s when those differences clash and create friction.
Unmet Expectations
Last year I read Brene Brown’s book on emotions “Atlas of the Heart”. One chapter really stood out to me. And that was the one on expectations. Expectation is an emotion I gave no prior thought to.
More specifically, stealth expectations (unexpressed expectations).
“Every day, sometimes every hour, we are consciously and unconsciously setting expectations of ourselves and the people in our lives - especially those closest to us. The unconscious, unexamined, and unexpressed expectations are the most dangerous and often turn into disappointment.
When we develop expectations, we paint a picture in our head of how things are going to be and how they’re going to look”
Who's turn is it to clean the bathroom?
In my own marriage, I think of cleaning duties. My spouse and I both have our own expectations of what the other should be doing.
Well I cleaned the bathroom last so it’s his turn next. And as the days go by and the bathroom isn’t cleaning itself, I get upset (and vice-versa).
This is also a communication problem. We could easily fix this with a cleaning schedule. Same goes for cooking. But we haven’t done that yet. The path of least resistance → complain about it.
Ok so bathroom cleaning miscommunication isn’t necessarily a major source of stress. But for some couples it might be the bathroom cleaning, and many others.
Or maybe you’re working too many hours and are feeling overwhelmed.
Or worried about your teen, and their lack of motivation at school.
Or you and your spouse have very different ways of dealing with money. I’ve been following Ramit Sethi and have listened to dozens of podcasts in which he interviews and coaches couples on their money struggles. It’s eye opening to see how couples have such different views on money, and how much tension these differences can create.
And then your doctor tells you to reduce stress, as if it were simple.
3 tips to help you deal with stress
But seriously, how can you reduce some of the stress in your life without quitting your job and moving to the woods? Here are a few suggestions:
1) Therapy is one option, especially if the source of stress feels overwhelming.
2) Get really clear on what EXACTLY is causing you to feel stressed. Try and narrow it down instead of catastrophizing and deciding that your job/marriage/life in general is a big stressful mess.
Instead of telling yourself that your marriage is one big stressor, get specific. Is it an unmet expectation from your partner? Like, you expect them to have dinner ready for you after work, but instead you find them on the couch scrolling. Urgh!
Is it work-related? Is the job unsatisfying? Are your colleagues or boss difficult to deal with? Is the commute tiring? Is it the long hours? Lack of personal time? What specifically is it about your job that is causing you stress?
3) Communicate your needs, desires and boundaries
Have you been crystal clear with others about how you feel, or the concerns you have? For example, have you told your spouse that you would really like it if they had dinner ready for you when you get home from work sometimes, like Fridays. And it would mean a lot to you if they did. Communicate it. Don’t expect it (easier said than done but I'm saying it anyway)!
Are YOUR expectations of others unrealistic? For example, you would love for your partner to be a person that brings you flowers and chocolates every few weeks, but they don’t. It's not their thing. Then don’t expect them to. But yes, you can communicate this desire to them. AND also be realistic.
5 key personal attributes to help you work through stress... maturely
SELF-RESPONSIBILITY
Take responsibility for your own thoughts, feelings and actions
CURIOSITY
Ask questions. Try and understand the root of the issue.
SELF-AWARENESS
Be aware of your own limitations and shortcomings, wherever possible
COMMUNICATION
Clearly communicate your feelings, expectations and wants/desires, in a non-heated, non-defensive manner. Be realistic.
GROUNDING
Have a grounding practice that makes you feel good. Nature walks, journaling, deep breathing, hand on heart breathing, yoga, meditation, etc. Seriously! This isn’t fluff!
Or if you need to hit a punching bag at the gym, perfectly good way to relieve tension caused by stress.
And if food, eating and body image is a source of stress for you like it is for many others, let's have a chat! Food & Body Image coaching is a great way to challenge the beliefs and thoughts you have about food, your body and yourself. Learn more here.
In conclusion, stress is an inevitable part of life. Having said that, given the high pressure society we live in, we are exposed to a lot more stress than we're meant to making stress management ever so challenging.
While my blog focused on stress as it relates to the communication between individuals, especially couples, sources of stress are many. And as I mentioned in the beginning, I didn't even touch on stress caused by lack of access (which requires intervention by policy makers).
So the next time your doctor tells you to reduce stress, tell them that you're all prepared now because your friend Violeta gave you some great tips on dealing with stress!
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